Exasporo Productions Present

How to clean your dog's teeth.
(and live to tell the tail)

Ingredients

• One Dog, medium sized, unwashed
• One cat (to annoy dog)
• Dental tools: pointy, sharp, nasty...lots of 'em
• 2 post-operative biscuits

Preparation:

Dog must be properly prepared for procedure. We suggest, at minimum, a one year bonding experience between surgeon and dog. Walks in the woods, sitting and staying (the dog, not the surgeon), pizza bones, ball fetching, and a few preparatory dog baths. The surgeon must carefully win the dog's trust.

The Dog Mouth:

The surgeon must understand and be ready to deal with the complexities of the average dog mouth. Teeth: some are stabbers, some are grinders. Watch out for the stabbers, they are called canines, just like the dog. Anything named after a vicious carnivore can't be good for skin and bones.

The surgeon would also be well advised to heed the dog tongue. Poised, like a sloppy slinky, this large flappy muscle is there to cover you in slobber and generally get in the way.

Dog Wrestling:

No matter how deep the friendship the dog isn't going to understand chewable fingers and sharp objects suddenly showing up in his mouth. Talk in soothing tones, maybe a few pats to the head. Do not mention the post-operative biscuit as the increase in drool only makes matters worse.

Now might be a good time to drag out the secret weapon, the family cat. Point out that the cat doesn't think he can do it. That the cat has been bad mouthing his teeth, calling him dog breath. Do it to show up the cat!

Implements of Dogstruction:

Unless you've been pampering the dog with wet food and soft chew toys he will only have a few places which need cleaning. Second tooth from the back, top row, check it out. Instead of nice, white enamel there's this dingy yellow cement stuff. Dog plaque.

The flat spoon implement is good for chipping this out. Hit the plaque right and it chips off like a layer of paint. The sharp dental pick gets into tooth grooves and recesses. Watch out for the gums and that crazy tongue. Some vets use a thumbnail to chip off plaque. Not nearly as fun or technical.

The other side:

Once you finish one side the dog will be joyous and try to dance with glee. Hold him back, flip him over, and get back to work. Otherwise you'll be there all night while he does victory laps around the sofa and the cat.

Post-Op:

The moment we've all been waiting for. Smiles, hugs, biscuits all around!
(and a few laps around the cat...)

Fine print: this should not be attempted on a real dog or anyone resembling a dog, living or otherwise. No warranty expressed or implied. Some shifting may have occurred, package is sold by weight and not by quantity or quality.